i never told my 'rents i left the nieghborhood until my mom called and asked where i was XD and i said at lea's and she seemed pretty surprised LMFAO but she was like.. okay....

THE FIRST LTK CO-ED SLEEPOVER!
wow that was one amazing time <3

i had to go home right after school :/ so i got home before 1PM and did homework, cleaned my room, and showered, then i FINALLY got dropped off at 6PM ;_; so i missed the video chat with joseph noooo!!
when i got to keenu's only brian and keenu were there, apparently everyone went to wendys lol so we watch potter puppet videos and some dane cook. after 30 min, everyone came back and we all hung out and chilled. me and rachie were revisiting our old dancing roots, brian taught me some showtime dance moves, and we just chilled and talked like we normally do at keenus. cam and daniel played drums and guitar just about the entire time -.- travis seemed to have knocked out on the couch o.o
we watched cameron and daniel play guitar and drums for a while... it was cool, but we needed some 'outer' entertainment. so me, rachie, melly, melinda, lea, sarah, brian, damien, and travis went outside and played telephone XD that was fun! a few of these funny ones were:
little red riding hood brings tomato soup to her grandma= no gay riding humps potato soup
caution: watch for speedbumps and sandwiches= caution: don't have sex without a condom
kung fu panda is the best movie ever= cabana is the worst movie ever
then we built a pyramid! a human pyramid. i was surprised that travis offered to be on the bottom, like... not that he would be on top, but he offered to help =) so it was brian, me and melinda on the bottom, then lea and sarah, then rachel on top. then travis switched in for melinda, and she stood in the back with mika who also joined us.

           

then we watched get smart. brrr it was cold, so me, travis, lea, and sarah cuddled up on the pull out sofa. WOW travis is a human heater. and apparently so am i, but not as bad, so our skin would stick to each other and we'd have to pull away every so often to air out xD haha lea started saying that she should change into her pjs, under the blanket hehehehe but she didnt =/ darn jk! her and sarah went into the house to change and i went outside -omigosh it was freezing!- to change into my shorts. keenu walked outside when i was in my underwear, but he didnt seem to see me. pheww thank god. then i went back inside and travis was in his 'pjs' too. we got back on the couch, and lea and sarah came back. then i had to go outside and change into my tank top cuz it was way too hot. our situation and the movie was funny. everytime travis would laugh the sofa kinda shook hahaha some awkward positions tho o.O
after the movie, rachie, sarah, and lea got a monster -.- and daniel, damien, and brian went to mobile 6, but brian came back cuz apparently lakewood has a curfew.... i didnt kno that, so if they got caught they'd be in deep shit. but they didnt, and they brought back their monster. so they got call hyped up and energized and (i heard) ran 50 pacers and stripped lol meanwhile, keenu put in baby mama and me and travis sorta just fell asleep on the couch. brian kept playing with my hair and poking me tho..
i kinda wanted to get up, but half of me was asleep and i just fell asleep. travis moves a lot in his sleep -.- he'd roll over onto me, or smack me in the face. while i curled my arms against my chest and kept me legs straight. -sigh- travis travis travis hahah i heard rachie, sarah, and lea come back into the room a bit later, and i think everyone was asleep by that time hahaha lots of stuff happened that night.... like shelby with her arms around daniel's waist.... and lea with her hand really close to travis crotch. i didnt do anything :D but i was really close to travis at one point, like not even an inch away, and i think he rolled over and said wtf and rolled onto of my head.... oww. but i was cold, so that was fine i guess xD
keenu and melissa were on the couch, daniel, shelby, and brian were on the mattress, damien was on the chair, and me, travis, lea, and sarah were squished on the bed. and poor rachie was on the cement between the pool table and the garage door D:
needless to say, not much sleep was gotten that night.... unless u were travis! me, lea, rachie, and sarah tried to wake up for the sunrise... so we kept waking up every half hour- i even sat at the computer chair for half an hour, that was horrible- since 4AM, then at about past 5AM me and lea ran outside in the freezing cold to see if the sun was out or not, but we couldnt tell cuz of the fog and street lamps so we ran back into the warm garage <333 at this time, travis was the godsend haha i was warm in seconds :D then i slept awesomely! and missed the sunrise ;_; it was 6AM and it was over.... -sigh- and i only woke up because of daniel STUPID CELL PHONE PLAYING MUSIC! we all groaned for it to shut the hell up, but he was knocked out. we tried to go back to sleep, but that was fruitless so we all gradually woke up and started talking and laughing. oooh! and me, keenu, travis, and lea watched rain videos! gahh i didnt know that keenu and travis liked rain! i have the song they were watching on youtube on my ipod :D that was 'legit' ;) we all got brushed up and dressed and chilled. i tried to do a pull up on keenu bar in his doorway... but i failed.... and travis tried to learn how to hold himself up on his hands to do a windmill or something. hehe lea can do it! but travis collapsed on the floor in defeat *waves white flag*at about 10AM when mrs. bumacod finished making breakfast. thank you!!! she's so nice ;_; pancakes, bacon, and eggs <33
breakfast was delish, then we walked to lea's house HOORAY! we looked like a group of runaways with out pillows and guitars tho haha when we got there we all took showers thank god. i got to go first hehehe ;D travis wanted to watch spongebob so we migrated into lea's room and somehow i fell asleep. wow i just knocked out! lea said my mouth was kinda open too haha all i remember before falling asleep was brian playing with my hair and poking me o.o ....... when i woke up everyone was asleep except melissa and lea i think xD damien was sitting up against the wall, keenu and sarah were on the floor and brian was next to me. i couldnt find travis tho, turns out he was on the floor too and i almost stepped on his face ^^" rachie and shelbs finally finished showering so we went to FAMIMA!!!! and travis gave me $5 and said "get me the largest coke slush there is" it was a 44 oz. for $1.65!!!! *______* so i got him that, and i got a 20oz coke slush hehee, rachie got ramen, melissa got chips and hi-chew and prolly more, and lea got a coke slush and something else.... and shelbs got a cosmo magazine, two rockstars, and food. oooh and i got a sample of mozzarella, spinach, tomato ciabatta sandwich *_______* yummmmm i wanted to buy it but they had no more D: so i got two tacos at del taco. when we got back, travis believed me when i told him it was $5!!! O.O but i felt bad, so i told him it was really 1.65 and gave him back his change =) then damien, brian, and shelbs had to leave =/ and travis was totally asleep on lea's bed lol so lea, sarah, keenu, and me played telephone and munched on junk food. then i ran up to lea's room to find my something.. i dunno what it was haha, but i ended up alseep on the floor hehee... keenu and lea came in and got me up, and we jumped on top of travis. but he didnt wake up!!!! so we gave up..... actually no.. keenu and lea gave up, i fell back asleep on the bed with travis xDD i didnt even get 4 hours of sleep the last before!! but travis did, so wtf lol
finally travis came down with us and we played spoons for a bit :) but keenu and sarah had to leave, so travis left too... then lea, melly, and me had time to talk about the guys, and random stuff. it was cool, really chill, and we all bonded :D especially since i told them all bout kevin which cleared things up A LOT. so now they know, and about A and M. -sigh- how come i attract older dudes??? and am sometimes attracted to them? ahhh whatever i like ppl my age now! teal doesnt count ;) we ate a poptart too, yummmm. damn i feel fat now xDD but imma lose those 2 lbs. i gained =) i dont like being fat-ish... i just feel fat k?! lol
but yay four day weekend!!!! now i have monday and tuesday left to study for AP, hopefully i can go to the tennis lunch tomorrow tho :P

and today i went with me mom to costa mesa mall. i got a couple things too, all really good bargains :D i got a white cami that i've been needing, a striped t shirt, a bag, a necklace, and a gift for someone for christmas. oh and i got joseph a gift. me and my mom ate the boudin again yummmmm <333 thats our tradition now. it was delicious. then we shopped some more. i saw some cool nikes but the bright yellow wasnt so great D: darn tho, i like the hot pink, white, and gold together.. the yellow threw it off... too neon. =/ my mom kept asking what i want for christmas, dad's ben asking the same thing too... i dont want something expensive.. i kno the economy is horrible right now. i wanted to just ask for something simple that i need at the moment when christmas comes. a camera would be pretty sweet, but wayyyy too expensive. melly and lea's cameras are so nice *___* i've been wanting nikes for a while too. if i find some that i really love, and arent pricey then i'll ask for those :D a kigu would be adorable!!! but i dunno... =/ 'rents might say no. hmmm.. i noticed that i tend to get shoes for birthdays and christmas haha. creepers, more creepers, engineer boots lol oooh and today i started CHRISTMAS SHOPPING! =D yay!
aight well its late, i should blow dry my hair and sleep now =) tomorrow is AP I.D.s, and some of the Islamic Travler's Guide. then Tuesday, finish the Guide and read the next few pages for AP.
gnight! <3

THEN, nikki and joseph came by my house as i was IMing travis and doing chemistry homework. i IMed travis and told him i was gonna go biking with them and that i'd talk to him later. we biked around the neighborhood chatting for an hour or so, joseph gave me a chocolate cream puff <333 yummm.. then we swung by my house to get nikki soy milk and me and joseph lychee juice. we chilled at the park for a while, nikki was being stupid and nasty haha and we just relaxed. i tried out joseph's bike... OMFG that hurt my crotch. and nikki said "that hurts! dont u have a dick joseph?" ................. but that made me wonder too.... cuz it hurt me. what did it do to him? o.O
i texted travis and asked for his address, and we biked over to his house and rang the doorbell... we waited for like 10 minutes and he didnt come out! and when he did, nikki's mom called and we had to leave cuz she was gonna be pissed =/ ooh the irony. but it was so fun.
then we biked back all sweaty, and nikki's mom and joseph's mom were talking. i asked nikki's mom if she could come over tomorrow to study for alg.2 and she said yes =D after she left, me and joseph sat- awkwardly- on the front porch talking, with many silences. lol hopefully that'll stop after a while hahaha
i went home around 6PM and went to the store to get my person's stuff. i'm pretty much done now, just a stuffed animal or some sunblock now i think.
today was really fun, thanks nikki and joseph! <3
and with the field trip on wednesday, clubs day on thursday, and halloween on friday, things should be nice. too bad i'm friggin BEHIND on the AP timeline tho @____@ well i dont think i am... but i didnt do much on it today! gahhh i have to go do that, bye! <3

yesterday was so much fun! we all went to keenus afterschool for our 'halloween hangout'. i dont wanna spend forever blogging about it so i'll shorten it haha

we hung out at the tree taking pictures afterschool until lea's day came to pick us up, then we filed out of the van to keenus house, we ate candy and ran around until we decided to go get food. we walked to chilis and decided not to eat there b/c of the long- ass wait, we split up and me, lea, joseph, nikki, melissa, melinda, and rachel went to jamba juice while cameron, keenu, travis, bernard, and thomas went back to the house. we decided to order pizza hut, four trays of pasta (chicken alfredo, meaty marinara, and mac'n'cheese w/ bacon bits). when the food got there we scarfed it down, and travis knocked out on the mattress so we took pictures around him. melly puts a coke can between his legs and then he gets up! the entire time he doesnt get up and when the coke is on him he gets up @_@ and spills it everywhere. me and keenu ran into the house and i jumped onto te mattress with a towel trying to soak up the coke. then travis goes back to sleep T______T omg wtf... so we went outside and took jumping pictures in the dark. then we realized that melissa, melinda, and rach had been gone for a while... so we tried calling them and no one picked up. everyone ran all over the neighborhood, to wendy's and all over keenus house looking for them. but we could find them... i got so worried and mrs. bumacod almost called the cops, but i stopped her and said we'd keep looking first. we screamed their names over and over, everyone was looking... but we couldnt find them. bernard called melinda, and she said "just text me you'll give away our hiding spot" i was angry that they were hiding but scared that they might not be okay. me and mika walked in another direction looking for them and i saw nikki crying... god i tried to hold it in but it just poured out and i cried too. god i hate crying. i was just so scared that i'd never see them again and that something horrible happened to them. so when melinda texted me back saying OMG we're fine just relax, i got so pissed off because it didnt seem like they understood how worried and serious the situation was. so when i saw them walking back towards us i was so so pissed off and i started screaming at them "WHERE WERE YOU!? DO U KNOW HOW WORRIED WE WERE?! MRS. BUMACOD ALMOST CALLED THE COPS. WHAT THE FUCK" and mid way my voice shook and i just broke down. so i just turned around and left. i ran back to the bathroom and stayed in the there trying to calm down. i dunno what happened in the time i was in there, but i finally came out and mika gave me a hug. and i sat in the garage with the guys. keenu came over and asked me and mika how we were feeling and that melly, melinda, and rach didnt know how bad it was. at the time i tried to calm down but i just needed some time to think. keenu gave me a long hug and i felt a little better. thank you keenu, ur the best guy friend i could ever ask for truly. he called us all to get in a circle and forget the things that happened. everyone was kidding around tho, but i just felt a bit empty. keenu really has the power to calm us all down and just fix everything, to calm the chaos. he has something special i think. things were awkward after that.. i really wanted to forget it but i just needed time. melinda came and apologized, but i just nodded and walked away. sorry but i just couldnt say anything at that point, i didnt want to say anything i didnt mean so i just walked away. joseph's parents brought beard papa's and nathan made sushi. awwwhh that was so sweet of them. i gave joseph a hug, he's a good friend too, and said thanks. i ate a couple bites of the cream puff and left it in the box. but when i came back someone took it and it was gone.... i wonder who ate it lol. then we played a lil hide and seek but travis knocked over the telescope so we stopped playing. but i found melissa under the table, and she said she was sorry. she sounded so sad, and by that time i was okay, we hugged and i told her that i was just so worried about them and i thought i'd never see them again so thats why i got so angry. then hugged melinda and told her why too. i had to find rachel, so i saw her in the dark and i walked up and hugged her. i'm never mad at rachel. i think as a friend, i love her the most, i never get mad at her and i'm always happy to see her and i just want her to be happy all the time. then i got mika, melinda, melissa, and me together and we all hugged. i was glad that we resolved it, i hated being in the in between when i wanted to make up but i was still feeling emotional. but everything is okay now. so then we chatted for a bit, and me and rach tried to do some of our old dance moves. MAJOR FAIL. she hurt her toe ;_; it went into a cramp or something, so we stopped. then i played kemps with keenu, sarah, joseph, travis, nemo, bernard, thomas, and cameron. originally me and travis were partners, but nemo had to leave so cameron paired up with travis and i paired up with bernard. kemps was sooo much fun. except when i SCREAMED when travis said SPIDER! when it crawled across the cards T____T mann i must've looked sooo stupid. but then people slowly started leaving, and i fell asleep on the mattress for a bit until lea woke me up. and me and joseph got really cold, so after travis left and he gave me a really storng hug, like OWW, we crawled under this blanket with nikki and lea on the couch. it was warm-ish under there, then mika took me and joseph home.
i feel a lot closer to lotsa people lately. like all the guys too. keenu's just such a great person and friend. joseph is really nice. travis is... well travis. but my goal is to get closer to him this year! cameron is super nice, so nice that i wonder if i'm annoying sometimes... bernard is so cool! thomas is awesome too! me and lea were so scared when we were looking for MMR that we were gripping his arm in fear. hahah but no worried he'll throw his cup at anyone that tried to kill us ;) right lea?
hah i'm still kinda crushing on *INSERT NAME* but not as much as before. i think i started liking him because of the end of me and kevin. he's really cute, but i'm not his type and it just wouldnt work. we've known each other too long too. he's seen my crazy sides and i just know it wouldnt work. its prolly infatuation anyways. he's just too cute. i gave him a bracelet i made tho, it fit! his wrist is huge lol and he smiled and said thanks. haha i love his smile. lol anyways yeah its infatuation guys, no worries. no more love drama in the LTK, i wont do that ;)
that was one of the best days i've had in a while. despite the misunderstanding, this week had been really great. and i'm just so grateful that everyone is alright and safe, it makes me realize that i know i wouldnt be able to go on without the LTK. shoot me for being melodramatic, but its true.
sorry i had to write this here u guys, but i wanted to document this somewhere. what happened, happened, and its the past. i just needed to get it down somewhere. everything is okay now and please know that i truly love you guys to death.

i'm not exactly sure why, but the past three days have been so great and made me feel so happy and light =D

monday:
i cant really remember what made me super happy that day, but i do remember that AP was really fun! I love the group work projects on the religion posters, very easy 50 points and i bonded with new people =) i looked forward to 5th period on monday a lot. i forgot what we did in the other periods tho... but in tennis we ran indian runs for the entire green. damn i felt outta shape lol i havent ran in a while, and i ditch tennis a lot :P but not anymore!

tuesday:
i think falk was absent... which always makes things nice =D
we developed our photos in photo class today, my picture of the tree came out nice! and i developed the picture of my partner in the class for our first assignment. algebra two was the same, a lot of notes but pretty chill. in english swiecky was absent D= but it was okay since me, melly and mika moved over to nikki and we watched Julius Caesar, but i atually just did my algebra 2 homework hehe ;D and i got a dorito from cameron. AP was funn!! Gallery Walk! we walked around and filled out a chart based on each other's group religion posters. then we got our tests back, i got a 74% C D= oh dearie.... i was put out but not upset about it. then me and mika left to go get dressed for the away La Mirada game. the bus took forever, and lunch passed by and we were still waiting T____T booo but whatever =D on the bus we chatted and were silly.
OMIGOSH la mirada's park is sooo cool! the playground was seriously the coolest thing i'd ever seen, i cant even explain how cool it was. it had lots of spinning things, and swings and it looked so futuristic *____* me and emily herring got paired together as doubles. i never made it unnoticed of my dislike of her, but i dealt with it and decided that i should stop hating her... we make as okay doubles... not the best but i think better than me and shelbs [tho i love shelby oh so very much, much more than emily]. we won both our matches 6-3 and i had a drumstick! yummm.... and on the way back on th bus, mika played her guitar and we sang a little bit, it felt very serene =)
i got home around 7pm, took a shower, ate yoshinoya chicken bowl as i read Julius Caesar, then finished chemistry homework, and studied for AP from 8:30-9:30 then i practiced writing the I.D.s, got in bed at 11PM, read Pride and Prejudice and finally hit the sheets around 11:30PM. i felt extremely accomplished as i fell asleep, i got everything done and worked hard at everything =D

today:
chemistry was same. we did bookwork in photo. mr. nguyen wasnt here today, so we had a sub and i sat with nikki and sawah <3 daniel wasnt here today either, i think he's sick.. fourth period, we watched Julius Caesar [and it made sense because i read! lol] and talked about th Italian feast next thursday. $20 *___* omigosh, i hate asking for money from my parents... if they think its too much, i wont go, tho i really want to. 5th period, THE AP CHAPTERS TEST! DUN DUN DUN lol nahh it was easy, i'm SOOOO confident on the multiple choice, and most of the I.D.s too. i didnt overwrite them, and i have time to spare to go back and recheck all my answers and I.D.s the only thing is that i mixed up the Peloponesian Wars with the Punic Wars GAHHHH lol oh well haha, i wonder what she'll write back to me. WHAT IS THIS!? hehe
Mrs. Garvin graded our posters and i have a B 84% in the class, YESSSS if i get an A on the test (OMG I HOPE I HOPE) then my grade will prolly go up to a B+ on my quarter report card. my goal is an A on the semester report card. i got out of that class feeling SOOO FAWKING CONFIDENT AND PROUD.
lunch was fun, cameron ate his noodles with his hands hehe and travis is just... travis haha. but one of my goals this year is to get clsoer to him =3 i want to be sibling-like relationship!! that'd be awesome. in tennis, we all ran a green. half-way thru my throat burned because of the air hitting it and i thought my nose was going to bleed. but it didnt and i finished in 6:25minutes. tho Johnell was like "you have 5 seconds left!" and he started counting down and omg i ran like crazy to him. but he tricked me ;_; oh well, i finished sooner. i drank lotsa water and strecthed my feet until i went back to normal. it wasnt bad actually, i hope i'm getting back into shape again! then we did the raffle and we didnt practice o.O so i left when the bell rang.
no homework basically, my show is on tonight, and i will cut and paint my nails tonight i think!
and tomorrow is the LTK ANNIVERSARY!! we're going to the lakewood mall as a reunion thing, hope mom lets me go.
friday is the halloween hangout [b/c party is too expensive hehe]
and i think saturday we'll go shopping somewhere nice, i think its me, lea, joseph, melissa, keenu, and whoever else wants to go. travis cant come, basketball tournament i think.
speaking of which, i was IMing him earlier today and he started talking about how big his penis was WTF that was awkward.... ANYWAYS!
i need to ask my mom for money ;_; $15 tennis baskets, $5 EH dues, $4 in-n-out, and $20 italian feast if she lets me go. GAHHHHH i hate asking for money, with the economy so bad right now too.... gahhh
she's getting sushi for dinner, which soooo makes me day even better, so i'll tell her about my day, tell her and ask to go on thursday, friday, and possibly saturday, and ask for the money then. =D

such a good three days, hopefully it'll continue onto thursday and friday too =DDD
but essay tomorrow in AP on dear... i hope i do well...
<3

today was fun!

3rd, 4th, and 5th period are officially my favorite periods. 1st least favorite. 2nd is fun cuz its photo, but i dont know anyone =/ its still cool tho!

3rd- algebra 2 honors
test today but whatever it was still fun =D

4th- academy english 9 honors
mrs. swiecky i love you! <3 she's my favorite teacher and always will be. she gave mika her sweater when she was cold NAWWHHH!!!!
i went over to nikki and cameron cuz nikki seems lonely in the corner, but me and melly got caught and were sent back in shame ;_; and swiecky moved cameron to the other corner lol

5th- AP world history
mrs. garvin is really ,really cool. she inspires me to read and do good. which i will do tomorrow! we discussed philosophy through the Socratic method for ten minutes. DO YOU HAVE A SOUL? HOW DO YOU KNOW? I CANT SEE IT. WHERE IS IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW ITS REAL? DO YOU HAVE A MIND? DO YOU HAVE DREAMS? WHAT IS A MIND? lol that was.... interesting.
poor mika and cameron and bernard, got picked on lol

then 6th period- TENNIS
but no practice =D
it was a perfect day really. we hung out, me and patty ran around scaring people. her in her scarf and me in my hot pink jacket.
then i think sam was drawing me o__O he's cute =3 i asked him to burn me some music and i gave him a blank CD. me and shelbs watched the boys play volleyball for a bit too, that was fun. but not to the extreme as on thursday, heheheheheh ;3

THEN!!! we went to lea's. me, mika, rachie, melissa, lea. we went to famima and i got a cookie ice cream sandwich <3 and strawberry hi-chew. i love going there, but i always have trouble deciding what to get. then i spend like $3 ;_;

we went back and made kimchi noodles and talked about secrets, dreams, midst, chilhood crushes, and everything really. it felt nice, very chill and just chatting about whatever. i never did answer melissa's question about the guy tho ooops O.O
then me and lea trased our hair with a comb and LARGE amounts of hairspray, hehehe. i MIGHT post pictures tomorrow, too tired -and hungry- now. rachie turned into amy winehouse, and melissa turned into an iranian, then a bumb, then stoned bob dyland, and mika.... i dunno! she danced and we all sang country-like ;D then i made a myspace, whooo!! but we had to go ;_; so our night thus ended~

today was a very very good, perfect day.

i have a myspace now, but i dunno what to put for the URL. ideas?

christmas. yeah really!
it feels like christmas time, the time around the holidays when i look outside. the weather is cool and nice, and i've been thinking about christmas a lot recently. like writing down my christmas list and thinking of ideas for presents. i just got a WOOOSH of that happy, giving feeling. i love giving presents, i want to give gifts to everyone i care about. but i dont have enough money ;_; but i love giving, despite me being a Buddhist and all hahaha
speaking of which, we talked about Buddhism in AP world history yesterday. that was fun!! i got to contribute! i tried to take advantage of it without sounding like Nick [ewww nick... i will not vent i will not vent lol] but it was fun to be able to share and tell (what little i knew) about my religion and i learned a lot about it too! i'm going to bring in my little recorded prayer machine on monday to show mrs. garvin =D i'll stop now since i'm supposed to be studying before i go to lea's not LJing haha

i'll post again tonight or tomorrow! bye byez!!





things in life take unexpected turns very quickly. you think you know what the future months have in store, yet simple conversations or phone calls can change what you think you know so fast. and after that, everything turns up side down. but if you cry, dont make it last too long, because this isnt the end of the world. just because things are different now, even if not everyone knows, it will be okay. things are harder to get over when they occur in person, i'll be thankful (and slightly disappointed at the same time) that there was some distance. too bad i'll never know what you're like with me in person. but despite everything, i'll remember the past months as a different, sort of special.

LIFE is confusing.
for the past two days i've been slightly out of it, like not in the mood to do my AP I.D.s, some things have thrown me a bit off balance... i hear things and if i dont clarify it, my mind tricks me into believing that its the truth instead of just something someone told me. it's throwing me off and i dont focus right at all. i dont like this feeling. you need to confirm what i'm feeling. i dont want to trick myself into believing something that might not be true. i'm hoping its not true.
i also wish people could respect my wishes if i dont want to say something just yet. i'd appreciate it if you wouldn't ask about it behind my back because i know you are. i'm not angry, but know that when the time comes i'll tell you and everyone else. right now just isnt the right time. i myself feel confused and i'm not sure of my situation, so i dont want to talk about it yet. but like i said, when the time comes, i'll let you and everyone else know. things are just pretty up in the air now...

i need my confirmation.
i need my reassurance.

too bad i can't ask for it from the source...